Haven’t posted anything personal in a long time. I realize it’s also why I have such low reader participation, ‘cus I’m just scrolling for hours and hours with nothing much to say. At least not lately. I used to write so much so much more, since the days of blogger, xanga, livejournal, I’ve had too much to say, albeit mundane and overly dramatic at times. Maybe just dedicating time for reflection has become more difficult. Not sure.
It’s been a year since I quit my cushy tech job for freelance/contracting, and I’d have to say the freedom is absolutely wonderful. On the downside, I have fits of anxiety about where my next paycheck will come from or which bills to pay since I’m managing my own company basically. But whatever, it’s growing up stuff I’ll just have to deal with.
The current contract I’m on will last till November, and I just can’t wait for it to end. For some reason I can’t seem to stand being at a place for more than a few weeks. It feels almost as if my introversion is growing stronger and making me extra sensitive to people and groups and abrasive people. I’ve grown to be fairly adept at social dynamics and get along with mostly everyone, but it doesn’t mean it’s not exhausting. I’ve been looking forward to taking a break after November, maybe visit the family in NYC, or staying with the BF in LA for awhile.
Nothing is wrong per se. I’m not unhappy to say the least. I’m just not at a state of glee or joyful exuberance. (*It’s hilarious to even think that’s even possible, at least a sustainable one). I’m not complaining, I count my blessings, I’m just feeling like I can do more, be more, feel more, think more.
Counting blessings: I’m grateful that I have contracts lined up to keep me fed and living comfortably for awhile, I’m grateful that my family is still around and healthy, I’m grateful that I have a tight group of loving friends, I’m grateful for having people in my life to truly listen and feel a sense of belonging. I’m grateful to be living in SF, where being gay isn’t gonna get me killed or severely beaten. I’m grateful for having somebody to be with, albeit only once a month, the distance never bothered me too much. To have someone occupy that little corner in my heart makes everything else a little lighter, a little easier. The cuddle fest, when we can, makes the wait well worth it.
Anyway. This is probably already too long for anyone on tumblr to read anyway, anything over four sentences is too much.
So here’s the TL:DR version: everything is fine, I’m neither happy nor sad, boyfriend is cool, work is hard and exhausting, but thank gods I have work.